Time; Holding On Won’t Slow It Down
Posted by michelle on Oct 31, 2012 in Minimalism | 42 comments
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” – Elizabeth Stone
For the past several months, my husband and I have been slowly ridding our house of the clutter. For us, we did have a small amount of clutter in our main living space, but the bulk of it was in the storage room in our otherwise finished basement. It had gotten past the point of organized chaos, and had become a real problem. I had been holding onto everything that had ever belonged to my children. Thankfully, my husband and I weren’t excessive shoppers to boot. There are different kinds of hoarders, you see. We usually kept our main living spaces, the areas that guests would most likely see, nice and neat. I just never got around to organizing the other areas. It was always something; not enough time this weekend, too much going on, I’m too tired, I just don’t feel like getting around to it today. Always. Something.
It’s always the first step; admitting you even have a problem. There is no “but” after you admit fault. There is no blame. The toughest part is just saying the words. My admission began one night when my husband and I were looking for something that we had misplaced. It’s not important what the item was, because honestly I don’t remember; this wasn’t a rare occurrence. We knew that this item must have been thrown into the great abyss aka ‘the scary room’ aka ‘the storage room.’ The storage room housed most of our tools, holiday decorations, and other normal, necessary items. The problem was all of the stuff that we didn’t need was making it hard to get through the cluttered room to find the things we did. A few months ago, we talked about our minimalism kick. I even talked about the time that Jeff accidentally donated a good portion (okay, MOST!) of my skinny Summer clothes, because I didn’t have them marked. I talked about how difficult it has been to get rid of some of our children’s baby clothes, but how we decided what would stay and what would go. It’s easy really, but it can be a time-consuming process. Since my husband and I are working our way out of debt, we decided to try to sell the nicer items, donate the items that weren’t valuable but were usable, and to throw away the items that no one would ever want–the torn and stained pieces that even Goodwill employees would question why we ever would have saved for any amount of time. Honestly, those items probably held the most memories.
Here’s the part where I admit that I’m not perfect. I fully admit that this isn’t just a cute problem that you can wrap up with a pretty bow and a tag that reads “Michelle sure loves her babies!” I’m not just in love with my children; I have a hard time letting them go. We all know that time moves at the exact speed for everyone; it doesn’t slow down when you’re having a good time, pause for smiles, or allow us stomp down on the fast-forward button when we’re in pain. However, it is a worldwide phenomenon that people believe that children age faster than adults. Sure, it seems that way because it’s somewhat true. Babies’ brains are 80% the size of an adult’s brain by the age of 3. When we learn that we are pregnant, we spend months preparing for a tiny, little newborn, but some of us never prepare for the stages beyond newborn, and most of us never plan for it. It’s okay; it’s not your fault. No one else will prepare you either. The doctor who delivers your child won’t say “Congratulations on your beautiful future teenager!” And the salesperson at Babies R’ Us definitely won’t tell you that you don’t need all of those items in your basket, seeing as how they can only possibly be used for a few months at most.
Recently, I realized that my mindset about my children growing up had to change. I have since had a few hiccups in this plan, like the time I told another couple how disappointed I was that my daughter had started walking so early (true story), or the time I cried while going through her dresser and realizing that most of it needed to be sold/donated/packed away. I got through those moments, though. I reminded myself how lucky I am that my children are all healthy and growing so well. Now, instead of being upset about what has passed, I am finding joy in the present. I’m doing what I should have been doing all along; celebrating my children in the now, and looking forward to the future.
Holding onto baby clothes to keep your baby from growing up is like holding onto a train to try to slow it down.
Since this epiphany, my husband and I have gone through what used to be known as the scary room, and organized it until it can be rightfully called a storage room. We still have some work to do and we know that we could get rid of even more of the items in the room, but we’ve made great progress. We now have our holiday decorations in one place, the tools in another, and everything just looks and feels so much better in this room. At the same time, we’ve also been getting rid of a lot of items in our main living space and bedrooms as well. I recently went through our hall closet and donated one stuffed-to-the-gills trash bag full of old sheets and towels. While doing so, I wondered why we ever thought we had needed more than 2 sets of sheets for our bedroom, and more than 2-3 for the boys’ twin beds. What’s the point? We have a washer and dryer, right? I’ve also cleaned out our front closet completely. Crazy, but we actually put our vacuum cleaner and ironing board inside our CLOSET now! My bedroom has also been victimized by my new friend, organization. My bedroom was always the last room that I would clean, but now I keep it ready for company at all times, even *gasp* making my bed every morning! I used to wonder what kind of people actually make their bed, and now I know; people who take pride in their things and like having a pretty, organized room to retire to for the evening.
Now that my subconscious isn’t cluttered with the stress of having these items that I don’t need, it’s liberated me. I now have found the time to get around to all the other started projects lying around my house, waiting for someone to take the initiative to get it done. I’m caulking and painting, fixing handles, and finally beginning to take real pride in my home. Even though few people knew that I even had a problem (unless you’d been down to my basement storage room or stepped into my bedroom when I hadn’t just shoved all my clutter into my overfull closet, you probably wouldn’t know), it feels so good to have removed all the things in my life that I don’t need. My children have outgrown their baby clothes, and maybe I’ve outgrown some things in my life as well.
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Wow! What a mental breakthrough that is. It makes me look around the room here and think, “you know, I should get rid of some of this “sentimental” stuff, too.
I’m in full-on coping mode with twins leaving for college in 10 months. I can’t believe this house is about to go from four people to two in a short time.
AverageJoe recently posted..Two Guys and Your Money #16: Ghostly Tales of Financial Horror and Asset Allocation
Oh, I bet you are in coping mode, Joe. Do you have house projects lined up or have you filled your schedule with traveling or anything else distracting? That’s what you’ve got to do, I think. It will be different without the twins at home….quieter.
I completely understand this.
For the last 2 years and 8 months I have said to my wife every day “I don’t want Isla (our daughter) to change from how she is RIGHT NOW!”.
Looking back at old photos makes it even harder!
Still, totally agree with the amount of toys, bouncers, pushchairs and other stuff that shouldn’t be kept.
We decided to keep one or two of the more “special” pieces of clothing or toys, and sold/donated the rest.
Of course, we’ve now got a 3 week old so we have to go through it all over again!
With my daughter, I used to hold her and rock her even when she was sleeping, trying to hold onto the moment a little longer. Obviously, it didn’t work, but I’m very grateful for those precious moments we shared. Now, she sleeps in her crib and rarely falls asleep in my arms before making it there. That’s okay. She’s a big girl now, and I’m glad she’s growing and developing on schedule. Congrats on the new little one!
I am guilty of keeping baby clothes! I have given away or sold a lot of them but I still have a tote of my favorites….outfits they had their pictures taken in or have special memories attached to them. I agree that holding onto them doesn’t keep them from growing up! I wish I could let them go. I just can’t.
I was thinking today about how excited I am for Halloween! At the same time, I remember this day last year and my kids were only 2 and 5 months. Now it is a year later and it has been a year filled with precious memories. I tresure the memories we have made but am sad that this whole year is gone.
I don’t want my babies to grow up either =(
Holly@ClubThrifty recently posted..My Escape from the “Toxic Employee from HELL”
It is hard, Holly. We were looking at pictures from last Halloween as well, and our youngest was just under 4 months old. She was so tiny! Now, she’s running and jumping and talking up a storm. It goes by so fast! I’m holding onto that train, too….as fruitless as it is to do so.
This was very, very sweet Michelle. But I am all for organizing. Take a picture of it and move on! Material stuff also weighs down on your emotional well-being. Let me know if you need any tips, I used to organize for a living
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Lauren, I was thinking about you when I wrote this! I wondered if you would love it, hate it, or just have a lot of awesome tips for me.
I know now that you are right; holding onto parts of my life that are no longer necessary was definitely weighing me down emotionally. How can we have awesome todays if we’re all stuck boohooing over our awesome yesterdays?
Michelle, I do think your struggle is one that many parents go through. Some much time, effort, energy and emotion go into having and raising a child that parents’ identities often get tied to their children. I’ll always be my mom’s little baby, and my brother will never be Stephen to her…he’ll forever be “Stevie.” While I don’t think that’s healthy, I do think it’s a common struggle for parents…mothers in particularly.
Congrats on overcoming this first hurdle and letting go a bit. My guess is that it will only get harder though as time goes on. Thankfully, I don’t have to face that yet.
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Jason, I don’t think you have to lose your identity when you have a child, but having a child just becomes part of your whole identity. It is a struggle, trying to be an amazing person on your own, when you have little ones who need so much care and attention. Getting out with my husband (without the kids) would help, but we still haven’t been out much at all yet. Finding balance between being a good parent and being a good ME is hard. Then, you throw in the emotions of having children and parenting is by far and wide the hardest job in the world!
I can relate to the time going by too fast thing. It is especially true with kids! My daughter is 2 and it seems like I just had her
And especially since we are not having any more children, every “first moment” is bittersweet.
Mackenzie recently posted..The Road Less Travelled
Mackenzie, I hear ya! Every milestone, you feel so happy and proud for your little one, but a part of you is sad that they’ll never go back to the baby talk or the crawling or whatever the milestone was. I think I have the potential to revert back to thinking negatively about my children growing up if I don’t stop and remind myself that I am so blessed to have such healthy, smart kids!
Whether its the basement, attic or hall closet, everyone has that space in their home that acquires all of those necessary yet nowhere-to-put-them items. Its comfortable and easy to shove a bunch of items into that space and not care because it’s always cluttered, but once you finally organize and purge, its a great feeling. Definitely understandable about not wanting to get rid of your kids stuff though.
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Thanks, Kelly! I think you’re right and that makes me feel better. I think we do all have that one closet (or entire storage room) filled with stuff we could/should probably clean out. I can’t even tell you how awesome I feel knowing that my closets are clean now. I forgot to mention this, but even my food pantry has been cleaned out recently! I love opening it now! <–not good if you’re trying to diet, though. ha!
I also feel liberated, like a big weight has been taken off my shoulders, when I get things organized and get rid of clutter.
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Isn’t it awesome? Even if no one else ever sees my stupid hall closet, just knowing that it’s all pretty and clean makes my heart sing!
I don’t even have kids and can imagine how tough this might be! I just watch my friends kids grow up and I can’t believe I could have kids of a certain age. I was just posting in another comment that I technically could be a grandma right now because my old boss’s daughter is the exact same age as me and is a grandma. That floors me!! I think we all tend to hold on to things for emotional reasons. It’s amazing how much attachment we put into inanimate objects. But you will always have what you hold in your head and heart. That is the most important thing.
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I tend to be a very sentimental person, but I’ve still got my memories and pictures. I think it was a mild psychosis I had; thinking that holding onto these items would somehow keep my kids small is ridiculous.
The only reason we are keeping all his baby clothes right now are if we have another boy or one of our friends has a boy. Once we get out of the baby making age we will simply give the all to Goodwill, except for the outfit he came home from the hospital in (mostly because he was super tiny from being 6 weeks early) so he can see just how small he was!
6 weeks early is amazing, Brian! He must have been so tiny. I would save that outfit too. My kids were all full-term, but it still boggles my mind when I look at something they wore when they were first-born.
Growing up my mother always donated clothes we had outgrowned or haven’t worn in the preceding two years. It was her way of removing clutter and bringing in the “new.” I’ve picked up her habit. I’m a clutter free person. My clothes have to be neatly (or as neat as possible) organized so it’s easy to find my clothes. I keep a few things that are sentimental. For example, I still have my basketball jersey and shorts. It remind me of how much I loved playing ball.
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Part of me wishes I could be that free, but the other part of me knows that I would deeply regret it if I donated ALL of my children’s tiny little baby clothes.
Good for you for breaking through the mental barrier and freeing yourself of clutter! It can be so hard to do but it is great when you get to that point of only keeping what you need and truly treasure the most. When I have kids I’m sure I’ll have the same problem though!
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I think it’s a pretty common problem. I can’t say that it wasn’t trying at times because we had such a mess of stuff we didn’t even need down there! I don’t miss any of it. It feels great, in fact. I want to take my friends and family that might have stumbled into my messy room before and show it off! I even have plans to make a gift-wrapping/arts/crafts table area…after we’ve saved up for it naturally.
It’s on the to-do-when-we’re-free-of-debt list!
My favorite line is this, “We all know that time moves at the exact speed for everyone; it doesn’t slow down when you’re having a good time, pause for smiles, or allow us stomp down on the fast-forward button when we’re in pain.” So, so, well said.
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Thanks, Kathleen! I hope you’re having lots of good “pause” days, and not having any more “stomp on the fast forward” days.
Congratulation on taking a liberating step forward! Parenting is maybe the hardest job in the world. You want to protect your kids from everything, but if they can’t make mistakes on their own, they’ll never learn. Accepting that time can’t be held onto is a major milestone. Now you can fully live in the present.
Pauline recently posted..No income while traveling? No problem! (part 1)
Pauline! It’s like you know exactly what’s going on in my house at this moment…lol. SO TRUE! You have to give kids freedom and let them go a bit, or they’ll never learn.
Even without kiddos, time still seems to zoom by. I can’t believe this is our 4th Halloween in our house, or that it’s been over a decade since Mr. PoP and I met. I recently let go of a tattered hoodie he bought for me while we were still in college, and Mr. PoP was so sweet about it. He said, “It’s okay to throw it away, I’m not going anywhere.” Whadda guy, huh?
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Aww, you are a good couple! What a sweet husband. I agree with that sentiment. At the end of the day, it’s just things. As long as I have my husband, my kids, and we all have our health, I am one rich girl.
Nice post! I can relate as it just seems our five year old was born yesterday. Time just seems to move by so fast. I asked our daughter the other day if I could put a brick on her head to keep her from growing anymore and she just gave me that “Dad you’re crazy” look.
That’s a great breakthrough to have in regards to decluttering. Now that we’re done having kids, we sell a lot of the outfits and put the cash back in to getting “new” clothes for them.
John S @ Frugal Rules recently posted..Hi There, What Can You Tell Me About Yourself?
Ahh…selling the old clothes to buy new ones! That’s a great way to cope with the dirty job of purging all those cute little baby outfits. Great tip, John!
Congrats on this big step! I’ve definitely been there (not with the kid thing, but with the clutter thing) and it definitely just feels so much better to get rid of it. A simpler life is a happier life.
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As someone who does not have kids, reading a story like this is a bit eye-opening. I know that people are attached to their kids and enjoy when they are babies, but I did not realize how hard it is to move on from that and embrace them growing up. While it is still years down the road for me, I imagine we will have trouble letting go of all their baby stuff and the clothes that don’t fit. Kudos to you for being intentional about cleaning up your storage room and getting rid of some of the stuff that you want to hold on to forever.
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I JUST spoke with my mom the other day sbout this! She said that she keeps one box, just one, of stuff from when my sister and I wre growing up. One box of school projects, some baby clothes she particularly liked. Just one box. That seemed to work for her. I know it was hard for her to get it down to just one, but I think what helped is that she moved alot. Moving always helps, doesnt’ it? Maybe you should move.
TB at BlueCollarWorkman recently posted..Blue Collar Halloween Tips
I have a friend with grown children and she gave me a great idea. Every year, fill up a shoe box with items from that year, toys, art, soccer cleats, etc. Then tape it up and label it. She gave the boxes to her daughters on their 18th birthdays. That is lots of boxes for 3 kids, but might be a way to put each year into a small place and let the rest go.
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This is something that I fear my wife will have a hard time with. And in this case I am an enabler. Anytime my wants to get rid of something that is sentimental I find myself talking her out of getting rid of it, even though I don’t want it anymore. Thank you for the insights. It’s something I’m going to think about next time my wife would like to get rid of something.
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I wouldn’t throw away all the baby clothes. They can come in handy for future babies and even grandkids. Your kids will appreciate seeing those little outfits from the photographs when they’re older. I hate getting rid of clothes that i have sentimental attachment to, but sometimes they are just too wasted, and i hate the clutter even more. I am definetly a minimalist when it comes to these things. I’m constantly throwing things away and practically never buy things that I know I’ll get bored of.
I can totally relate to where you’re coming from. My wife and i both have all our little girls baby cloths. We save everything in Tupperware boxes and have yet to get rid of them. It is difficult letting go when your identity is tied up in with your children, but it is something we all have to do one day. They aren’t made to live with us forever… that being said, I don’t look forward to that day.
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I can 100% relate. I’m great at getting rid of ”stuff” and would live very much as a minimalist if my husband would let me (he’s borderline hoarder but I contain him haha). Items don’t mean anything to me, or I should say very few do, but I had a tough time even packing away our daughters newborn clothes last week…she’s hopefully not out last but God forbid, what if she is and I never hold another tiny baby of mine? I kept saying THEY’RE CLOTHES, but they’re so much more than material to me. Every tiny memory is woven in that fabric. I need to work on getting past her growing before my eyes because there’s nothing I can do! I need to remind myself that we’re making new memories.
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I try to hug my baby hoping she’ll stay smaller for longer. The best advice I got was from my mom. From the moment they are born being a parent is about learning to let your children go.
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What a powerful realization and how wonderful it is that not only could you admit it publicly here, but you also were able to explain your emotions clearly and thoughtfully. Thank you for sharing this with us as an audience. I do not have any children of my own but in my way I am a sentimentalist and have an impossible time throwing out anything with meaning. Day’s when I catch myself annoyed with clutter are my best days because I start throwing things out left and right with out much thought. These days don’t happen often but when they do I take full advantage of them.
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